How can I express the inexpressible?

I spent the last 4 days at the most ego-annihilating training imaginable.

This was one of those things I knew was calling me (having given up seminars and trainings)... and I'm SO grateful I chose to go.

It was presented by a man who has "vocal coached" professional singers for about 30 years.  I thought it was going to be a "voice learning" experience... and indeed it was... but it was so far beyond that.  Our voices are not as open and true as they could be, because of resistance.  He coached on such a deep and powerful level.  People who were out of tune, came into tune.  People who were timid became bold.  People with tones that wavered and broke, became solid, clear, and clean.  By going deep within their feelings, and being more honest than they have ever been.

He certainly had some powerful tools, and amazing techniques, but more important than all of that was the power of simply becoming honest, and sharing that honesty in a way most of us never dare.  It changed everything.

I thought it was going to be a simple seminar, and it ended up being life changing... on a core level.

I asked him why he didn't talk about that in the description of the training.  He basically said that most people aren't interested in changing on a core level, but most people want to sing better, yet, what is needed to sing better is that ultimately beautiful core transformation.  So he advertises the one, and provides the other.

Before I went, I would only have invited a couple of people.  After going, I would suggest that anyone who is about adventure, finding themselves, opening, coming to center, and learning who they really are -- those are the people I would say should do whatever it takes to make sure they get to experience this magnificent, powerful, beautiful, joyful, transformational experience.

The guy's name is Claude Stein.  He's just a nerd like the rest of us, but he's got the intuitive insight, the tools, and the audacity, to find (and elicit) the authentic voice inside of anyone.  I sat through 30 master level mini courses -- one for each participant.  And, of course, I got my own mini master level training. I loved it so much.  Knowing what I now now, I would give anything to have received this gift.

If you've done all the trainings (or haven't) or you would like to sing better, or find your authentic inner voice... I totally recommend it.

Magnificent.  Wonderful.  Spectacular.  Beyond mind blowing.

He presents 10 of these each year.  I would certainly love to attend the one in Costa Rica... but until then, I'll probably go to the here in the western united states.

I went to his web site, and in my opinion it totally doesn't do justice for what he presents.  Feel free to check out his site at claudestein.com for his schedule.  And if you let him know I told you he would push you a little extra deeply, perhaps to risk a little more than usual, you can bet he will.

Wow!  Even as I read what I wrote about it, it doesn't begin to express what I received.

But that's how it is, when it comes to the inexpressible.

And that the stuff I love the most!

Everything is such a dichotomy!  At each moment, I feel like everything is just as it's supposed to be, and everything is wonderful.  And at the same moment, I'm certain that I am at total choice to create anything I want.  And there are some very specific things I'd like to create differently, in my life.

I seem to make so many of my choices "by default"... just going with the way it has always been... doing it the way I always have... which is fine... but I'm very clear that the only thing I am creating, is the same results I have always created with those choices.  Not that that's a bad thing, because I really and truly do love my life...

It's just that... sometimes it feels like I'm using the "everything is perfect just as it is" feeling... as an excuse to not make the changes I know will create the new results I keep saying I want in my life.

One of my co-workers was talking this morning about how she said a "gratitude list" on her way into work this morning, and it reminded me, yet again, how easy it is to presence an energy of joy, gratitude, and love... and how easy it is to presence different feelings... that are less than joyful... by default.

"Handling bills" WITH gratitude, and "handling bills" WITHOUT gratitude still creates the same result with the bills, but a totally different internal experience.  And a totally different experience with life.

Many years ago, I did a training called "The Results Course."  There were only two things required to "create the results" we wanted.  One was to write a list of 10 things we wanted to create in our lives, and the other was to listen to a meditation tape morning and night.

The tape was just a guided visualization, helping us visualize our list of results, very vividly, using all 5 physical senses (including our emotions.)  Which I really liked.  But there were two other things about it that were very powerful.  It was an "early morning" and "late night" tape, so it was being used right as the mind was going into, or coming out of, sleep.  And the third thing is that it only allowed us to visualize what we wanted to create differently, during the morning session.  During the evening session, it only allowed us to celebrate what we created during the day, so we went to sleep with a feeling of gratitude for what we made happen during the day -- instead of going to sleep beating ourselves up for what we didn't create.  That made all the difference in the world.

Even though the 10 things on my list were things I didn't think I would be able to accomplish in even a year.  I just a few months, I had accomplished all of them, except 1.

I'm thinking of doing some of that again.  Only this time, creating my own morning and evening tapes.  And changing the the way the list works.  And... well... just following my heart on it.

That's kind of whats been on my mind lately.

Working so hard for corporate America these last few months, I've noticed myself becoming so focused that I've let go of many of my own disciplines, stopped work on my own dreams, and spent less time with my own divine expression.

I'm feeling those dreams stirring again... beginning to wake up and bringing the elation that comes with them.  Maybe it's springtime that's causing it?  Maybe it's just a reminder that the most important things are those that bring us joy.  But I'm very excited that it's happening.

So I've begun working on discovering my deepest Genius (that unique gift I have to offer the world, that nobody else has to offer) (I believe everyone has one of those gifts to share.) Refining my understanding of myself, so I can spend more time working on my Genius, and less time messing around with things that don't bring me closer to my greatest joys.

Here's my latest message from the universe:

"Your work is to discover your work, and then, with all your heart, give yourself to it.  ~ Buddha

That really makes me smile, and fills me with such enthusiasm and anticipation!

So... I'm really excited to see what I end up choosing.  Will I coast along by default some more?  Will I make some grandly gallant efforts, and end up cruising along making little changes here and there?  Or will I buckle down, get clear what brings me the greatest joy, make my choice, commit with all I am, jump with both feet, ignore any fears, and burst through, laughing at the top of my lungs, and smiling from the innermost place of my being?

Won't it be interesting to see?  I think it will!  This will be...

...well...

...it will be whatever I choose it to be!

 

I just recently found (after spending a lot of time choosing to be filled with love) that being filled with love is no more (nor less) valid than choosing to be filled with any other emotional state.

I'm clear (like they talk about on "what the bleep") that the "feeling" of love is based on polypeptides, and feeling "peace" or "joy" is just a different brand of inner "love" drug.  I like those feelings a lot more than the "anger" or "sadness" polypeptides.  And although I usually choose more love-based feelings, sometimes I really enjoy a good dose of self pity or depression.  I don't like staying there very long, and I certainly wouldn't want to be addicted to those drugs.  It's a fun place to visit, recreationally, though.

But why is it I've been so much about the "love" fix?  Why, when I have noticed myself not being filled with love, has it been so important to me to take a few moments and "fill my being" with love?

What happened is that a friend at work, who noticed that I always walk around with a smile on my face, asked me what I was covering up with my need to always be filled with joy.  Now, at first I was a bit irritated by that, but the more I thought about it, the more I began to see that a polypeptide is a drug.  The fact that I manufacture it with my hypothalamus or pituitary glands doesn't mean it is any less addictive.  What other potential feelings have I been avoiding by focusing only on love?

In other words, what other drugs were floating around inside my system, available for me to experience simply by focusing on them.  So I decided to let the experiment begin.

I notice that at any moment I can be filled with absolute overwhelm.  And I have an innumerable number of things I can be sad about.  Just thinking about that begins to bring them to mind, and I begin feeling a bit sad.  And, of course, the whole world is as unfair as I decide it is, and I can be as indignant as I want about that, at any moment.  Or even angry!  Yes, I can feel the anger beginning, even as I put my focus on it. 

But, fear, now that's a sneaky one.  I got an email from a friend last week, telling me the economy is about to fail, this time for real, and there is a secret famine going on, and it's all by design. (I think that's about the gist of it.)  Not that I haven't heard that quite regularly for many years.  But even though I know that fear is not the way I want to live my life, I notice, just by focusing on that for a moment, a little voice inside says "what if it really happened?" and I can feel the beginnings of fear spawning inside.  I suppose I could focus on those, find some other people who are afraid of the same thing, hang out with them, discuss only that, and end up a huge ball of fear.

So, am I really at choice, in this moment -- not in a minute or two from now, but in this exact moment -- to feel anything I choose?  I can totally do it.  I spent an entire summer (after a painful divorce) learning to fill myself with love at choice.  At first it took me a couple of minutes until I could feel a feeling of love, and at first I wouldn't have described it as being "filled" with it, but by the end of the summer, it was intensely deep, and practically instant.

People who are quick to anger, have the same skill, only they have given their power (of choice) away to some outer stimulus.  It's still the same chemicals, though, regardless of an outer stimulus, or an inner choice.

If I haven't consciously filled myself with love for awhile, it takes a some concentration and waiting.  But the technique is simple.  I think of something that sparks a feeling close to love (a hug, a tiny kitten, a baby smiling, etc.) and then, once the feeling starts, just put my attention on the feeling, and hold it there while the feeling grows.

But so what?  That's my big aha.  Why be a drug addict?  Even if the drugs are legal and natural, and produced by my own brain and glands, the feeling of being on drugs does not feel like freedom to me.

So I decided to stop.  I wondered what would happen if I just let myself feel "empty" instead of having to fill up with some emotion.  I've heard people who practice Zen do that all the time.  So I decided to give it a try.

The problem is, I haven't been able to quite figure it out.  When I go absolutely still, and put my attention on the stillness and emptiness... and just hold it there... I can feel other feelings dropping away... and I can feel the emptiness expanding... but at the very center of the emptiness (inside the emptiness that's in the center of the emptiness) is a love that isn't like any love I've ever manufactured with my brain.  It's a love that seems to have no bounds, and no end.  It's like it always exists, in everything.  Like the entire universe; every energy; every molecule; every atom; is made out of this love.  Like, nothing exists except this love, and when everything else falls away, or is finally ignored, the only thing left is this love.  Like, every attribute I try to give it is nothing in comparison.  In fact, even calling it "love" is somehow less than what it really is.  That's just the closest word I can find to describe it.

And then next thing I know, I'm filled with a feeling of bliss, which is exactly what I've been trying not to feel.  Or rather, exactly "something" and I've been trying to feel "nothing."

So, I haven't got the emptiness thing down yet.  And I'm still addicted to my inner emotional drugs.

Another interesting sideline, is that I've noticed that no emotion is its own emotion.  Shame is an expression of anger.  Anger is an expression of fear.  And fear, when allowed to be present (without forcing it to be what it isn't) eventually melts right into that place of absolute indescribable love.  Which makes me wonder if love isn't the only building block there is.  And it makes me wonder if all healing, growth, transformation, and spiritual movement can only truly happen at a level of deep love.

Not that any of this means anything.  Except that it has given me a renewed view of feelings.

Maybe I don't have to judge the feeling that is arising in me, in any moment, regardless of whether it's one I want, or not.  Maybe I can just allow it to be there, absolutely with embracing, and then just let my attention rest on it until I float though the superficial levels to find what it really is.  And what if I find out it is always, just love?  How cool would that be?  So far that's all I've been able to find.  But does that mean emptiness doesn't exist?  Does that mean I'll never find it?  And does that mean I'm anti-zen?

Although everybody says they want...

Vibrant Health...
Freedom from worry about Money...
A divinely wonderful relationship...
 
...that's not really what they want.

That's just the surface layer -- the facade.

Somebody thinks she would experience LOVE if she had that divine relationship.
Somebody thinks he would experience JOY if his body was fit and trim.
Somebody thinks she could have PEACE if she were free from worry.

But they won't.

If you were instantly 20lbs lighter, and had no aches or disease, you would still have exactly as much joy as you have been choosing to have already in your life.  Joy is not dependent upon outer things.

If you were given a bunch of money, you would still have as much worry as you have now, it would just be about different things.  Your "peace" level has nothing to do with outer things.

If you were given an instantly divine relaitonship, you would still have exactly the same amount of love in your life as you have now.  Everything is a trade-off, and Love is not dependent upon anything outside of yourself.

To add to the irony, we each have exactly the kind of love, joy, and peace, we currently have...

... because that's what we choose.

We draw the "outer experiences and situations" into our lives, that support the levels of love, joy, and peace we choose on the inside.

If you want to have a divine relationship, universal law simply requires that you "become the one you want"... become a divine relationship... so you can be granted an outer experience to match your inner way of being.

If you are seeking a mate to fulfil you, the only thing the law of attraction can grant you, is more seeking.  That's what you are putting out.  That's the only thing you can get back.  Being the kind of mate you want, is the only way to create the opening for the law of attraction to grant you one.

And of course, we are reminded constantly that money can't by happiness.  Anywhere you go in the world, you can look around and see miserable mega-wealthy people, miserable middle class, and miserable impoverished people.  And anywhere you go in the world you can look around and see peaceful mega-wealthy people, peaceful middle class, and impoverished people who are filled with peace.  Peace is not related to money.  Peace is a choice.

Freedom is not related to money, health, or relationship.  Freedom is a choice.
Joy is not related to money, health, or relationship.  Joy is a choice.
Passion is a choice.  And is not attached, dependent, nor related any outer situation.

Love is a choice.  It comes when we focus on whatever level of love we each feel, and allow it to grow.  One of the best forms of focusing on love comes when we share our love with others.  One of my favorite mantras about love is: "I am absolutely filled with love, on every level."

Any outer thing that ends up being a catalyst that causes us to choose love (like a kitten, a child, a loved one, or a lover) is simply a catalyst.  It's not a cause.  The cause is inside. 

The cause is choice.

It is the same with Joy, Peace, Happiness, Enthusiasm, Trust, Honor, Authenticity, Honesty, Power, Gratitude, Energy, Optimism, and Compassion.

As "sparks of God," we each have been granted the greatest gift of all: Agency.

We can choose fear and doubt, pain and suffering, attachment and grief... or any related energies.  And that's OK.

Or we can choose Light, Love, Peace... and Life.  And that's fine.

Nobody is going to make us choose anything.  If you want something, your attention is your greatest tool.  Your focus is the key.

Where is your attention?  Where is your focus?  What are the word of the song of your existence?

When the law of attraction puts its attention on you, and says: "I'm going to grant that person exactly more of the thougts and feelings he or she has been exuding from within"... what will you get?

I love the saying: "You only get to where your coming from."

The really good news about it is that you can know for sure exactly what you are exuding.  All you have to do is look around you.  Everything you are surrounded with is the result of the energy you have chosen.  Your results always tell the truth.  You can say you've been exuding peace, but if your life is filled with un-peace, you've been telling yourself a lie.  If your life is filled with peace, then you know for sure you have been exuding peace.

We are the average of our thoughts and feelings.  3 minutes of positive affirmations (or even an 40 minutes) barely makes a dent in the rest of our lives.  Everything we think, feel, choose, allow, and presence... all averaged together... is who we are.  Both as an individual, and as a community, and as a culture, and as a society, and as a world.

We are either unconsciously tuned in to the "social mind" and "tribal mind" (and other minds we are a part of...) or we consciously choose what we want instead.

It's not an automatic thing to break free from of the gobal mind.  It's much easier to just coast along with it.  And it's not a bad thing to coast.  You can tell exactly what you are going to get.  The same results as everybody else you are coasting with.

If you choose a religion, take a look at the members.  Especially those who have been doing it a long time.  If that's what you want in your life, you made a great choice.

Every "organization" or "institution" we join, gives us another "institutional mind" to use as a tool.... and as a block... as a motivation... and as an excuse.

The institution of marriage is one.  The moment you begin choosing into marriage, is the moment you begin choosing into that global mindset.  With all of its benefits, and all of its blocks.

"If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got."

"If you want something different, it's going to take some different choices."

And the problem is, we can only make choices from the perspective our our beliefs.

If you want something different than you have, it's going to require changing your beliefs.

The very process of transformation, change, growth, progress, opening, expansion... requires a change of beliefs.

Our beliefs give us our options and opportunities.
Our beliefs give us our limitations and blocks.
Our beliefs are our boxes we live in.
Our beliefs determine what we exude.
Our beliefs determine what we draw into our lives.

What do you want?

What are you going to choose?

In my studies, I have found that in the East, they recognize 3 main categories of "paths of liberation" (ways to get to enlightenment, godness, ascension, self realization, perfect peace, or whatever you want to call it.)
 
They are:
 
 - The Path of Knowledge (seeking)
 - The Path of Renunciation (detachment)
 - The Path of Devotion (following a guru)
 
Within each of those paths, there are many sub-paths.  For example, how many ways are there to gain knowledge?  Study?  Observation?  Experience? And about a zillion more?  There are literally and unlimited number of paths to God.  But those three large categories are often discussed in Eastern teachings.
 
To say there is "one superhighway to god" is to limit the infinite.  Each person seems to have a way that calls to his or her own soul.
 
I have a couple of on-line friends, who practice the path of devotion.  They love it more than anything else.  They love nothing more than to sit at the feet of their guru, and bask in his or her presence, and learn by "attunement," and the ability to ask any question, and receive an expansive answer.  I have asked them why they selected the guru they chose, what benefit they have from a guru, and how it's different from when they didn't have one.  To sum up the responses I got back, they pretty much each said they love it more than anything.  They say they knew, instantly, when they found their guru... like a great cosmic "click" of everything falling perfectly into place.  They say they would never go back, that they feel as if the path to freedom is simply flayed open before them.  They are directed on the path, but only they can walk it.  But there is no question about what to choose or do.  And they feel totally protected and nurtured by their guru, who has already walked the path, and shows a powerful confident clear path, that has already been shown to work powerfully to create what it is they want -- freedom, liberation, peace.
 
That sounded pretty awesome to me.
 
So I decided to find a guru.
 
Ascended masters aren't a dime a dozen here in Oregon.  I found an occasional event, where some guru or another was passing through, and holding a "satsang" or a "sitting."  All I wanted to do was sit in the presence of one, for just a moment, and see what happened.  See what I felt.  See if that "click" happened.
 
So I travelled to see Gangaji in Ashland (where she lives.)  I was totally astounded by her teaching.  It was amazing, beautiful, so simple and clear, and so expansive.  Way beyond anything I had ever considered.  And it rang in my soul like the sound of a crystal bell that makes no sound, yet vibrates everything in the universe.  But that "click" didn't happen.  She's not my guru.
 
I would like to go sit with her again.  Maybe do a weekend retreat with her (or two.)  Get my hands on a couple of her books or DVD's and allow myself to just listen to her teaching.
 
But if the Path of Devotion is truly for me, my soul is waiting to be struck by the song of a different guru.
 
Ram Dass (The Harvard Law Professor who experimented with Psychedelics back inthe 60's and 70's) took an extended (many year) pilgrimage to India.  He went barefoot, with very few possessions.  And after sitting with multiple masters, he ended up meeting with a guru, and there was the click.  The feeling I got when he described it was that it was like falling in love with yourself over and over and over on every level with no end and no limits, just to be in the presence of his guru.  He's got great stories to tell, and I love listening to Ram Dass's teachings, and it, too, makes me wish I could find a guru.
 
But it's possible my path is the path of Knowledge.  I seem to have been doing quite a bit of "truth seeking" my entire life.  One of the sub-paths of knowledge, is the path of indulgence.  A lot of people use it as an excuse to non-spiritually indulge in anything the want, but I find my greatest spiritual growth in expanding my being through adventure, in every possible way, from bungee jumping (with an intention) to using a new meditation I've never tried, to trying a new health cleanse, to picking up a musical instrument I've never touched and seeing what kind of music my heart (and mind) can evoke from it.
 
And yet, here I am, doing the mundane, going to work every day, and each morning detaching and turning my life over to God.  Some mornings I wake up in a panic (especially when I'm behind in some deadline at work) and it takes me several minutes consciously straightening out my inner turmoil, until I can finally feel as though my life is God living me, through me.  That's the path of renunciation.  Not my will, but god's will being done, through me, by my choice.  It's very freeing, to me.  And when I finally feel that way, I can go to work, and mow the lawn, and take care of my family, and allow it to all be godly, and do it in absolute peace.  So I definitely feel a resonance with some part of the path of renunciation.
 
So here I am... a man without a specifically known path.
 
I often feel like a bungler, stumbling through life, doing the best I can with what I have.  Sometimes I wish a master would appear, and tell me which direction is perfect for me... for my next step... but since it hasn't happened yet... I'll just keep working it out the best I can... using the tools that have been gifted me... trainings... tools... modalities... friends... events... adventures... experiences... choices... writings of ancient masters... gaia... connecting with god... and inner investigation.
 
I guess I'll just keep studying... keep letting go of my current beliefs in order to allow new beliefs to flow in.... and I'll just keep filling my being with the greatest love I can, as often, each day, as I remember to chose love!
 
This is my core, rock bottom, openest, raw me.  It's my most vulnerable truth.  It's the only thing I know how to share.

You are as free as you choose to be.

You are not as free as you "wish" to be.

You are not as free as you "want "to be.

You are certainly not as free as anybody ever tells you, or allows you, to be.

You are only as free as you choose to be.  No more free.  And no less free.

Freedom is not granted by something outside of your being.  Freedom is a choice.  You are so entirely free to choose, that you can even choose to attach your choices to things outside of your being -- you are free to give your power away to situations, circumstances, people, and "the hand of cards you were dealt"   -- or anything else you want to give your power to.

Regardless of why or how anyone does it, being a victim to outer experiences, is still a choice.  And it is its own payoff.  There is a feeling that people who are victims feel, that they don't get anywhere else.  It is its own value, its own reward, and absolutely a choice.  The very power of victimness, is a sickenly sweet feeling of powerlessness.  How relieving it feels to not have to be in control, to not have to be responsible, to not have to be accountable for one's experiences and choices... and results.  Victimness is very definitely a choice.  And it's cute.  I really enjoy watching someone who has mastered this amazing skill do their life.  It can be really adorable.

Stuckness is a grand form of victimness.  Indecision: standing frozen at the crossroads.  What to choose?  "If I choose one, what about the one I'm missing out on?"  "What if I miss out on the better choice?"  Indecision is its own reward.  It is a value, and a priority.  People who do indecision would rather have the feeling of being undecided, than the feeling they have when they make a decision.  I like watching people who have mastered this skill.  They often say they wish they could be decisive, but wishing is one of the greatest tools of a non-decider.

Wishing is its very own value.  Wishing is a great reward.  People who are wishers, wish they weren't wishers, but if they weren't, they wouldn't have anything to wish for, and they love to wish.  Wishing brings them a feeling that taking action does not.  Wishing is its own payoff.  And it is a grand payoff.

Other similar values include the choices of: hoping, wanting, seeking, struggling, being confused, feeling helpless, choosing despair... and trying.  What a marvelously wonderful plane of existence this is, with the unlimited power to choose, such that we can even choose weakness, powerlessness, and limitation.  And how perfect it is, that we each have already mastered this gift, and that we already choose our own level of freedom and limitation.

One of the greatest days, for me, was the day I decided to allow myself to be exactly as I am.  To wish as much as I wanted to wish.  And choose to consciously to wish (instead of taking action.)  To give my power away as much as I want, and acknowledge that I am choosing to give it away.  To feel limited, and know it is my choice to feel that way.

The strangest thing about allowing myself to be exactly however I am, is that, the moment I began to see it as a choice, is the moment I began taking back my power -- the very moment I began choosing new choices.  And it is the moment I began to feel a new freedom.

Weight?  Finances?  Relationship?  Health?  Job?

We would each rather be exactly where we are, in each of those aspects of our lives, than take the action necessary to have a different choice.  It's true.  If we really wanted something different, then we'd be taking different action, and we'd have different results.

So, since we have each chosen to... 
  1. ...be the kind of person who...
  2. ...takes the kind of action, that...
  3. ...results in what we each currently have...

Why not love it?  Why not embrace it?  Why not choose to be here, now, exactly as it is?

It is the only way to begin using the law of attraction powerfully.

Wishing, hoping, struggling, and wanting things to be different... according to the law of attraction... can only create more of the wishing, hoping, struggling, and wanting.

Loving "what is" is the only way to find a firm footing for change.  Allowing "what is" is the only way to find peace.  Choosing "what is" is the only way to begin to release victimness and begin embracing anything new.

It's only a first step... but what a grand step it is!

And what power it conserves to be used toward change...

And what freedom it evokes!

I don't really like poetry. Not that it bothers me; and I have written a bit of it myself. Some of my greatest aha's have come through poetry. It's just that there are so few poetic writings that call to my soul. It's almost too personal to the writer, and the small group of people who relate specifically. So I don't spend a lot of time with poetry. But I found one that really hit me profoundly. It meant enough to me that I'm willing to blog about it...

“Today I hold a flame in my left hand
and a sword in my right.
There will be no damage control today.

For God is in a mood
to plunder your riches and
fling you nakedly
into such breathtaking poverty
that all that will be left of you
will be a tendency to shine.” -Adyashanti

Wow... what a perspective... that is exactly what I feel like when I'm doing a Journey process... or any inner work... daily life has become my greatest inner work.

Our knowledge, our relationships, our careers, our homes, our addictions... all are represented by the term "riches" to me. All of the things we believe are important, that we look to for protection, for identity, for salvation, for comfort, for a validation of our each individual perceived reality.

All of those things that make up the "box" that is both our protection as well as our limitation.

It's not the usage (or not usage) of money, or any of those other things, that makes up riches or poverty, it's the perspective we take on what makes us who we think we are.

The anihilation of limitation (of perceived security) by "allowing" God, is such a powerful perspective. It says so much. It may, truly be, one of the most important (if not the very) purpose of mortality.

I used to think "the purpose of life" was to learn and grow.  I now believe "the purpose of life" is to express outwardly, one's inner divine nature.  That change of belief happened less than a month ago, but what it has created, has rocked the very core of my being.

Deciding how to do that -- how to express my inner divine nature -- is one of the most amazing tasks I've ever chosen to take on.   It is both the easiest, as well as the most difficult task I've ever considered.  It is both the simplest, as well as the most complex consideration I've ever imagined. 

But, since it is the core value of my existence -- the very reason I exist at all -- is both the most vitally important question, as well as the most moot question (since I'm already doing it -- whether I know it, or choose consciously -- or not.)  

The thing that is the most fun about it, however, is deciding how much of that "expression" to turn over to "default" (how I already do my life automatically...) and how much of it to choose consciously.

Regardless of either, however, I find that my choices in life have somehow become absolutely fun, both of the greatest importance, as well as utterly irrelevant -- at the same time.  I find myself feeling gleefully sober.  Kind of somberly giddy.  At the same time.  

And all of the stuff I "used to think" was of great importance, has become completely silly, and just humorous choices I once made, and still often continue to make out of habit.  And things I used to think were superficially extraneous or secondary (developing talents, performing, creativity, the arts, music, non-technical skills, sitting with friends talking into the wee hours of the morning, etc.) have all of the sudden become "the most" important choices anyone (specifically speaking for myself) can choose.  

Isn't that weird, and wild, and wonderful, and amazing, and strange?  It freaks me out... in such a soul expanding and joyful way.  I can hardly express what I feel about it.  The emotions are so complete across the spectrum... and so deep... and yet so OK just as they are... with no need for me to plug into them or make them anything they are not... or live my life around them... or make different choices because of them...  And yet, I'm completely at choice... absolutely free choice... to do any of those things... and if I choose any of them... it's just as good as if I chose any other choice. 

The freedom that brings, and the peace that brings... wow! 

It makes me wake up smiling; smile all day; and go to bed smiling... as if I have a secret nobody else knows... and it's impossible to tell... because it can only be understood by choosing it.  

THAT's what I learned from my Burning Man experience this year.  And it's really got my mind in a whirl.  And I love it.

It makes me both love everybody, wherever they are, and whatever they are choosing in their lives, exactly however it is... as well as also wishing I could somehow share what I have found that has brought me so much peace... and so much joy.  

I know it's not Burning Man specifically, because a lot of people have gone to Burning Man who didn't find what I found.  But I'm very clear about the powerful catalyst Burning Man can be, for anyone who chooses to use it as that kind of a tool.

And I'm very clear that any life experience, is just as powerful a tool, for those who choose to use their "life experiences" as that kind of a catalyst for transformation.

The joy that I am experiencing, is not within any experience.  It is deeper than all of that.  And it is always there.  In fact, even slapping a label on it by calling it "joy" feels like I'm diminishing what it actually feels like.  When I go to a meeting at work, and we talk about servers and technology, it makes me smile inside, because it would be so easy (and so OK) to get caught up into all of that, as if that's all there is.  Yet the joy is there, underneath it all, always, simply awaiting my attention.  And the moment I put my attention on it, I am filled with it.  And I can talk servers and technology all day, but just from a different place. 

And when I pull into a rush hour traffic slowdown, I can rage and curse and get as frustrated as I want, and as soon as I'm done getting caught up in whatever place my mind wants to go with all of that, I can feel that place of peace underneath it all, waiting for me to put my attention on it.  And whether I do or not is completely up to me.  And whether I do or not doesn't change the fact that it is there.  And it never changes.  And it never has to grow, because it is already has no boundaries.  And it never gets any smaller, because it is truly the only thing that exists.

Everything else in this life will sooner or later vanish into the past.  Or bodies, our knowledge, the skills and education we put so much emphasis on learning and developing, the buildings and homes we put so much heart and soul into building and furnishing... in a thousand years or so... most will not even be a memory...

Only this Joy will remain.

Even this earth, a few zillion millennia or so from now, will be merely a distant past experience...

But this Love will still be exactly as it is.  It's the only thing that never changes.

So where shall I allow my focus to dwell?  On what shall I place my attention?  On the cares of the world?  On the buildings I want to buy, build, or sell?  On my clothes and career?

If I place my attention on those things first, they distract me from finding this Place of Peace that is their very foundation.  But if I place my attention first on that Place of Love, until I am filled with it, then... the clothes I choose will soon become as magnificent as I feel, and the home I live in will soon become as magnificent and godly as I feel, and the career I choose, and the difference I make in the world, and the mark I leave on humanity, will be based on (and well up from within) the greatest Joy there is.

Both Buddha and Jesus mentioned this in their teachings (as did every other Master teacher.)  Didn't Jesus say "Seek First the Kingdom of God?"  So many people believe that is a physically spiritual location that happens after death.  But truly, The Kingdom of God is a state of being; a place of focus; a choice of attention.  It is found simply choosing the deepest, most godly Love that I can choose, in this exact moment.  And it is found nowhere else.  And it is found at no other time than the present.  The Kingdom of God is not found within scripture.  Scripture is only a tool.  The Kingdom of God is not found within any organization.  Organizations are only tools.  The Kingdom of God is not found within any ordinance or outward activity.  Ordinances and outward activities are only tools.  And just like a hammer can be used to build a house, or cause bodily injury... all tools can be used for destructive or constructive purposes.  Scriptures, Meditations, Organizations, Religions, Ordinances, Prophets, Masters, Goals, and Paths... are all just tools.  They can either "distract" one from choosing The Kingdom of God (the deepest love that exists) in this moment, or they can Assist.  The letter of the law distracts.  The spirit of the law assists.  When our beings are filled with love, we have found the Kingdom of God, and all outward activities are consecrated by that love, and we only choose constructive activities; destructiveness simply does not well up from a place of love.  When our beings are filled with Joy, we have found what all of the outer activities we have been choosing our entire lives, were meant to create, but never can.

Jesus said it so well when he said that what we place our focus on we create more of -- that what we sow, we reap.

So, my friend, where is your focus?  What are you presencing, in this very moment?  What energy is your being filled with?

Great!  That's exactly what you'll get more of.

We can't spend 16 hours focusing on the pain and frustration of life, and then 2 minutes of Joy, and think we are in the process of creating a joyful existence.

Your life, today, is "the average" of the energy you have chosen throughout your most recent days.

What percentage of each day, in the last month, did you chose to focus on joy?  How much of your focus did you spend on grudges?  How much on ill health?  How much on hating bills?  How much on the amount money you don't have?  How much on wishing your relationships didn't suck so much?  How much on hating your body structure?  And how much on the deepest most godly (or goddessly) love you have within you to fill your being with?

Ah, well... no wonder... (and I say that to myself, to you, and to everyone.)

What we focus on, we create more of.

What feeling are you filled with this very moment?  That's what you are sowing.  That's what you are in the process of creating more of in your life!

And you are the only one who can choose!

Yes, it can be difficult to focus on love, when somebody is hitting you over the head repeatedly with a nerf bat.  But that's exactly why Jesus said to "turn the other cheek."  He was simply saying, "choose the energy you want to fill your being, regardless of what is happening on the outside."

It can be difficult to focus on joy, when you see people starting wars, thrashing mother earth, and treating humanity with disrespect.  But that is exactly why Jesus said, "resist not evil."  And it is exactly why Mother Teresa would never attend an anti war rally, but would always attend a peace rally.  All Jesus was saying is, "fill yourself, in this moment, with the energy you want to world to become, regardless of what others are choosing."

You are the only one who can choose the energy to fill your being.  Many people would like to blame others for that energy.  But the truth is, giving away your power to someone else, is never godly.  And it never creates what you want.  And it is actually a lie.  You never did actually give it away, you simply choose based on someone else's choices.  So you might wish you could be a victim, but the energy that fills your own being, is only yours to choose.

Agency is the greatest gift we have been given.

It means you are the master of your own destiny.

How great is that!

Where are you taking your destiny, in this exact moment?

And for those who are "environmentally minded," "humanitarians," "Gaia Healers," and "World Peace enthusiasts" it is the best news yet.  Because the energy of the earth, is the average of the energy that fills each being on the planet.  So if you want to change the world, the very most important step you can take, is to first fill yourself with the very energy you would like to have the earth filled with.  For me, that would be the deepest love that exists.  The most wonderful Joy that can be felt.  And utter abiding Peace. No matter what.

And once you begin filling your being (regardless of outer situations) with the energy you want in the world, the people around you begin feeling it too... and it inspires love, empowers change, and causes a ripple effect of light... and the entire energy of the world is raised... perhaps a micro-un-measurable amount... but all it takes is that amount... and the mark you leave on humanity, is immeasurably grand, and pricelessly invaluable, and of more worth than any building or organization you can leave in your wake.

What are you presencing in this exact moment?

That's the only question that ever matters...

...First.

For many people (even people who are working on manifesting the things they want in their lives) words like Abundance and Wealth actually create the opposite effect they want. The reason is because they are instant reminders of "what isn't." Each time they start saying their affirmations, it is because they just noticed how much they don't have, and how frustrating it is, and so they decide to go visualize abundance and wealth. The problem is, feelings are the only engine we have. So while the vision points us in the right direction, the feeling is the motor. What ends up happening, is they end up pointing toward wealth, but moving toward the frustration of not having enough.

In order to actually create wealth and abundance from a place of "already existing scarcity," the energy of "already having"abundance" must be presenced. For most affirmators, the feeling they presence, while affirming abundance, is how much they "want" it. And therefore, what they are creating more of, using the law of attraction, is more "wanting."

When you hear somebody else say the word "abundance" or "wealth" what feeling instantly courses through your being? Is it gratitude for how much abundance and wealth you have? (which will create more of that.) Or is it an instant longing, or a wondering when it's finally going to happen, or wishing it were already here? (which will create more of that.)

Creating anything from the outside in, or, in other words, noticing "what isn't" and wishing it were, can only create more "not having" it. Here are some things people wish for, that their very "wishing-ness" (energy of wishing) pushes away: World Peace, A Good Relationship, Enough Money, Thinness, Vibrant Health, A Nice Car, A Beautiful Home, A Peaceful Family, Joy In Each Moment, Etc.

The three things everyone wants, are: Health, Wealth, and a wonderful love Relationship. But the truth is, everyone wants those things because they think those things will bring them Love, Joy and Peace. Struggling to aquire, from the outside in, any of those things, may bring some of them, but when they arrive they are empty. Hence the archetype of the rich miserable lonely miser. From the inside out, when one chooses a life of Love, Joy, and Peace, expresses gratitude for exactly how much wealth, relationship, and health he or she ALREADY has, and dwells on the gratitude, and the love, and the positive feelings, that's what begins to create an ease an a flow of outer things into one's life.

If I don't love myself exactly as I am, then all of the things I want will be based on grasping and clamoring. This is the very thing Buddha and Jesus warned us against. Buddha told us that "expectation (wiching things were different than they are) is the very cause of suffering." And Jesus told us to "seek not for riches, but seek FIRST the kingdom of god, and then the other things will be given. And if "God Is Love" and the Kingdom of God could be expressed as the Kingdom of Love, then how cool would it be to notice that Jesus invited everyone to first fill themselves with love, in each moment, and then allow riches to be gently received, instead of "seeking riches" (which seeking becomes a liability and a distraction from that love -- a distraction from what is most important of all. Could it be that both Buddha and Jesus understood the Law of Attraction? And could it be that the very reason they suggested that we "just love" and "forgive everyone" and "resist not evil" and just "be perfect" (just as you are) that they knew those are the only ways to create what we really want? Could it be they were trying to show us how to co-create everything we ever wanted?

It is such irony. It is so opposite of the way society teaches. And yet, it is truly "the secret" of life.

Could it be that the reason wealthy people get wealthier is because they focus on what they have, instead of how much they don't have?

Could it be that healthy people get healthier because they focus on being healthy, rather than how healthy they aren't?

Could it be that people who have an amazing love relationship find that it grows, because they focus on how wonderful it is, not what they wish they had?

And isn't it interesting that every church and religious organization already teaches the very basics of the Law of Attraction with their words? And yet, how many people actually hear what is being spoken? We don't need more preachers. We need a catalyst that will actually touch the listeners in a different way. Something that will inspire people to go beyond the old way of thinking, hear what is behind the words, and then go inside and make a new choice, and begin filling their beings from the inside out.

OMG!

My first burn was exactly the opposite of what I expected. But more magnificent than anything I imagined.

But, I'd better start at the beginning...

This last week, was my first Burning Man experience. My first adventurous trip to camp on the desert of the dry lake Lahontan in the Nevada desert, along with thousands of other adventurers, to build a city, share community, learn, and express myself with complete authenticity.

You might be thinking... "isn't that the place where everybody runs around naked and does drugs for a week with mindless disconsideration for anybody but themselves?"

I supposed there is an occasional person who may go there for that, but what I experienced was the very opposite of that!

Before I decided to make the trip, I only heard what people who had never attended thought it was. When I asked people who had been if they would sum up the experience for me, I got the same amazing responses again and again:

First their eyes would glaze over... and then there was a long speechless pause... and when they finally spoke, it started with... "OMG!..." And then they struggled to express something I could tell was inexpressible.

Now I know why!

It was the most utterly amazing, transformational, inner self connecting, emotional block smashing, limiting belief removing, expressively freeing, authenticity inspiring, powerful, wonderful, fun, magnificent, adventurous experience of my life.

And that was only the first day!  It just got better from there…

The truth is, it is a place where absolute authenticity is empowered. A place where over-the-top excellence is given and received. A place where extreme expression is the norm. A place where you can wear your heart on your sleeve, and on your collar, and in the color of your hair, and through the shape of your bicycle, and in the way you interact with your camp neighbors, and anywhere you go, in any way you want -- and be accepted and honored for it.

Since all contributions are offered freely, without requiring exchange of money, somehow it felt almost tangible to me that the energy of "freely giving" so completely permeated everything.

Since there are no limits placed on expression, there is every form of "truth" shared, from those that caused tears to stream down my face, to those that took my breath away with awe, and those that made my heart soar with inspiration.

Mostly, however, I found that, no matter where I was in the huge city of over 40,000 week-long citizens, I could feel a connection with my divine inner self, that I have never felt out here it the default world.

I suppose there were people who were there just to party, or just to run around naked, or just to be radical... but they weren't a part of my experience.

I suppose there were people there who didn't enjoy their experience, or for whom it was a much less spiritual experience than it was for me, but I didn't run into them.

We each, in our lives, draw to us, exactly what we put out. No less at Burning Man. In fact, my experience was that it was even easier at Burning Man. I suppose there could be as much pain and frustration at Burning Man, by those who choose that sort of thing, as they choose out here in the default world, but I didn't find any of those people.

I learned to make a fire staff and spin fire. It's cool to watch, but exhilarating to experience, as the roar of the wind in the flames passed mere inches from my body. What a rush!

I picked up my first professional-grade hoola-hoop and experienced the wonder of feeling it spin around my body. And learned that it's not the hoop that matters, it is the body that is the expression of inner divinity, and the hoola-hoop is merely a tool to give that expression a unique flavor.

I got to hold a 3-inch clear sphere in my hand, and learn to roll it to the back of my hand, and back to my palm. I didn't learn to roll it up my arm, and over my head, and around my back, like some of the people could, but maybe next year, or the next?

I learned about sustainability, radical self reliance, alternative building methods, and making some simple choices I can make that automatically show a deeper respect to our home (the earth.)

I watched as people donned fire proof suits, and danced to "dance dance immolation" (a knock off of dance dance revolution) the dancing video game. But in this version, if they missed too many steps (or even if they didn't) they got blasted with a huge ball of fire -- and they liked it.  Imagine keeping your focus while engulfed in flames?

I cried as I passed a board as I read the "truth" of authentic sharing, by anybody who wanted to share. Things like: "I had an abortion and didn't tell my husband." or "I made a suicide pact with my best friend who had terminal cancer. When it came time to follow through, my gun jammed, and his didn't, and nobody found out, and now I am filled with guilt and pain." Among dozens of others.

I sobbed like a baby as I saw hundreds of pairs of boots from so many of our children taken too soon -- casualties of war -- placed like headstones on the desert floor, with a book in the middle holding pictures, and sharing a bit of some of their lives.

I stood with eyes wide in wonder as I saw parades of gargantuan machines covered with mind numbing lights, 15 foot speakers, some belching huge tongues of flame, others sporting entire laser light shows that made any disco I've ever seen look like soggy oatmeal.

I smiled sadly (in the middle of the night) as I looked at the little blinky lights and glow sticks I was wearing, and vowed to express my true inner light, in body lights and bike lights, next year -- as I peddled my way through thousands of people glowing so brightly it was beyond any sci-fi movie I never thought to imagine.

I stopped my bike in the middle of the deep playa, and laughed right out loud at how the magnificence of the lights of this temporary city made walking down the strip of Las Vegas look bland, and yet the feeling I felt just standing there was so filled with caring, community, love, and connection.

Do I think you should go? No! Absolutely not!

No way!

If your spirit calls you, and tells you that you absolutely MUST attend, then certainly I agree, but if not, I wouldn't recommend Burning Man to anybody. And here's why:

We each create exactly what we call into our lives. I always have a magnificent experience, no matter what adventure I am choosing. If you are one of those kind of people, they it would be a magnificent experience for you as well. But you will experience a Burning Man exactly what you experience at home, only it will be magnified. So exercise extreme care in choosing whether to attend.

Things were barely getting ramped up when we began to experience some of the most amazing dust storms that snapped flag poles, blew tents away, ripped tarps right out of their grommets, and filled our noses, ears, and lungs with alkaline dust... and I was out in it, with my dust goggles and dust mask on, whooping and hollering at the top of my lungs, jumping on my bike, and riding off in the middle of the storm -- with glee. If you don't love dust storms as much as you love everything, maybe consider a different adventure.

The first naked guy who walked past my camp site shocked me into realizing I was in a place a bit different than the default world, but it quickly ceased to be anything other than just how it is. If you've got belief systems that tells you people should cover themselves a certain way, refrain from using certain words, and/or behave a certain way, perhaps burning man isn't for you. It's not going to happen. People at Burning Man simply choose whatever is authentic for each of them – and it never fits everybody’s beliefs.

And yet nudity wasn't rampant, it was simply occasionally there. What was far more rampant was the utter elegance of the costumes being worn with such joy and aliveness. The costumes were not about being strange, weird, or silly. They were about being elegant, expressive, expansive, and authentic -- and way way fun – in ways I never imagined. Amazing creativity!

I think the coolest part of Burning Man, is the dichotomy -- the irony -- that is ever present. I wish I had words to describe that, but I think it has to be experienced to be understood. It brought me to laughter (mostly at myself) many many times.

Although pictures can never portray what it is really about, or recreate the energy of actually being there, I liked this set of pictures for seeming to capture at least a tiny glimpse of a tiny percent of the feeling: http://laist.com/2007/09/03/burning_man_200_1.php

So, here I am, back in the plastic world. This time I'll be getting ready for next year starting now, instead of starting only a couple of months before it starts. I've got my list of "what to bring next time" that began as a few common items I simply forgot, and ended up more than three pages of things I “wish oh wish” I would have thought to bring.

What an amazing experience.

What an incredible heart opening.

What a magnificent display of deep honesty.

What an amazing way to spend a few short days of this mortality.

I loved everything about it!

I'm hooked.

I’ve been home, what, just over a day? And I can hardly wait for next year!

Let’s burn!!!